Ahhhh the waiting!!!

Ahhhh I have reached a point of adoption insanity, and I need to preach at myself, so I might as well let you all in on my preaching lol Anything you might find inspirational, don't think that it has ANYTHING to do with me being an inspiration.... its what I need to hear, so therefore I'm the exact opposite LOL A lot really has happened in the last few weeks, timeline wise. It'll probably make my october update in a week and a half less exciting, but we are unofficially number 8. Three people have gone off the list, and I found out that one family is on hold till February.... that was so exciting! And there are some scenarios where as few as two children would get me a referral.. but then you can play out other scenarios on the wait list and it will be a bit longer wait.. The wait has become difficult, the yearning is worse than a pregnant mom past her due date (but a very similar feeling minus the extreme discomfort!). It's hard to explain to someone that has not been through it... but I can feel a connection to this child, and I haven't seen them yet. I can FEEL that they are out there. There was a long time that I knew God was going to bring us to a child, wasn't quite sure which child, and wasn't quite sure when.... that has moved to a placed where I can FEEL that that child is already enroute to us. So I seek information.... WAY more than I probably should LOL Anything that can give me an idea of how much longer till I see their face, and usually very little is given. Things are unpredictable. Some weeks the agency gets news of several children, some weeks none... and its not easy to predict how fast any child will be paper ready. And I can sense that I need to stay in the present. I need to live in the now and walk at the pace God is going. The answers WILL NOT be there until He wills them to be there. I cannot find a route myself, and cannot make a path that is not there... I HAVE to walk with Him. I have to WAIT on Him and I have to have faith in that timing. And in reality I don't want anything but that timing, and the informational brick walls are probably reminders to me that I did not get here by any of my own doing, and I will not get anywhere by my own doing... so why seek information? Will it shorten my wait? Will it give me ANY more control? No, if anything it will take away from me “walking in faith”... and “waiting on Him” Each time I feel that tug, I must offer it up in prayer for my child, in hopes that our wait is almost over, and we can move toward seeing them for the first time. Please pray for us!!! Pray for our child. Pray for referrals to come quickly! Pray for grace during the wait. Please don't pray for patience!!! Patience=more waiting LOL In all reality, even though every day seems like a year, it probably wont be that much longer till we have exciting news to share!!! God Bless you all and thank you so much for sharing every little step of this journey with us!!

September Update

We received our update, and I know you are all waiting with us so I wanted to share what we know.  As of now the Walkers are:



Not much movement in the last month or so, as its been pretty slow with referrals :/  However, the information in our update that I was most interested in is what the coming month or two will look like.  The courts in Ethiopia have been closed for the past month and a half because of the rainy season.  In addition to that our agency's orphanage was pretty much full, and all of those children have travelled home to be with their families in August and September.  Now, as we are greeted with October, the courts have reopened, the orphanage has plenty of room.... so our agency is very optimistic that the referrals will pick up as well.  They have something in the range of 25-30 children they are expecting in the next couple months.... so I am really hoping we'll have some exciting news to share before the holidays!!  And while I'd prefer to be higher on the list, as far as numbers go, 12 has always been one of my favorites :)  So hopefully it treats us well this month and we see a big jump in referrals :)  It really is so crazy to think that in the course of the next six months (give or take) we will be matched with our child, travel to Ethiopia twice and have them home in our family! Six months and we don't even know who they are yet!  It's crazy, to think that we'll be planning our first trip to Ethiopia, in realistically, a few months and we still don't have a clue when that trip will be!  I think we've planned weekend trips further in advance!  Talk about a huge roller coaster of faith!! Holding on for the crazy ride!  Keep us in your prayers!!! Waiting for anything is hard, waiting for a child has to be one of the hardest!!!

Wow....

Wow..  What a "bigger picture" moment today!I was pooling over the update from our agency from last month.  Of course initially looking at the wait list and trying to figure out how many more referrals need to come in before we will be receiving ours. Thinking of that first picture and eagerly awaiting it.  Then I read further into the update, and it was saying how if your child is a birth parent relinquishment (vs. an abandonment) the agency suggests that you make a photo book for them.  We will get the opportunity to meet this family if there is known birth family...  which I am SO hoping and praying for that opportunity for so many reasons.  Not only to have that connection and be able to share that with my child, but also in hopes of giving that family some sense of peace, some sense of truly "knowing" not just trusting that the child they loved is going to a family that will love them and be a good family to them. So, the agency suggests making a photo book of the family, the house, the child's room... anything that can give them a glimpse into what their child's life will be like.  But then this is what really stopped me.... the agency also mentioned that in this photo book we should remember to include pictures of our baby (THEIR baby!), and any pictures we might have (referral pics, pics from other families etc.) because MOST of these families do not have ANY pictures of their child and will cherish them. Not even one! Ugh. how incredibly humbling and sad.  Me... the one who is being given the greatest blessing by them.  Me, who is so impatiently waiting for my FIRST picture, should remember to give THEM 'a" picture? How crazy is that? And its easy to maybe think of it from America perspective... oh maybe this family had the baby and a few days later they were placed in an orphanage an the opportunity was just not there.  That alone would be sad enough,  but that is usually NOT the case. Children are honored in the Ethiopian culture.  Most of the time the mothers keep their children as long as they possibly can.  In fact that is why most of the children come to the orphanage with at least some malnourishment.  They kept them as long as they possibly could and when the choice was life or death, they chose life for their child. And they have no picture... not because there was no opportunity, because there was no camera!  Ugh... how incredibly spoiled are we?  How INCREDIBLY spoiled? Its moments like this that I just feel like things like this need to be always kept in front of me so that I can attempt to step away from a selfish mindset and truly appreciate the things I have, AND recognize the things are are truly "needs"... and realize that many of the things that seem to be needs are usually "nice to haves" or "conveniences".  When I look if I can help out a brother or sister in Christ, am I looking at my "Excess" or am I looking at whether I am meeting my needs and all the rest is "up for grabs"? Next time we feel like we are lacking perhaps ask yourself "Do I have a picture of my son/daughter/husband/wife/loved one?" And realize how many people go without these simplest of treasures   

A little perspective...

So thankful and filled with JOY on this BEAUTIFUL, fall-ish (I say fall-ish because TECHNICALLY its still summer, but sure is behaving like fall!) morning.  And I realize, looking back over the past couple weeks that so much of reaching that "thankful and filled with joy" place, is perspective.  I'll tell you one way that a person walking in my shoes could easily describe the past few weeks of my life... and then I'll tell you my perspective.......  and I hope you will all see, what I saw upon reflecting on this simpliest of things...

School Started!  Soo simple right?  I now have about 6 hours a day with only one child at home and I can actually clean LOL Of course as you think, "oh my life is about to get easy!!!"  God laughs.  Brian's seminary started back up which means two nights a week he gets home between 9:30pm and 10:00pm.  His work decided that these "transition into school weeks" would be a FANTABULOUS time to explode with issues requring him to work whatever spare minute he had... including Labor Day weekend, early mornings (ie limited help getting the kids ready for school etc.).  Sandwich in the middle of that our first formation weekend for the diaconate, which means finding sitters, and spending most of a Saturday preparing for, and discerning this call to the diaconate with other coupes.  AND then we have the homework!  Kids that are not completely back in gear with school, coming home with homework they do not want to do and be lovely beautifuls about doing it.  Toss in the mix a couple dogs that have a real knack for NEEDING something right when 4 kids are being crazies, husband is on the phone with work or gone and Mom is just out of hands and feet to meet their needs... but they are the loudest and the squeaky wheel gets the grease.   This story could quite easily lead to a very frustrated, overwhelmed and miserable person...  A perspective of "why isn't my husband home right now?"  "why are these dogs insane?"  "its not that much homework why do they have to be so difficult?"  "REALLY a formation weekend in the middle of this maddness??"  SO easily it could be that.....  But let me tell you how I see it, and all of a sudden this crazy life is just plain BEAUTIFUL!

Firstly, I AM So incredibly blessed and thankful.  All of these things are things that can change with a moments notice.  Things can be calm one minute, chaotic the next.  We could be healthy today and sick tomorrow... much of those things are out of our control.  But we can root our joy in something constant, something that doesn't change.... and recognize how very blessed we are.  I am SO thankful that I have a husband that is wholly devoted to us and our family.  He has busy times and yet still jumps in the mix in the 10 minutes he has to lighten the load as much as possible.... or just walks through the door with flowers when even that time isn't there :)  It fills me with so much JOY that when he walks through the door at whatever crazy hour, we are both not even worrying about sleep, but brewing a pot of tea and spending time together. It could so easily get overwhleming... but many of these things are temporary and I realize that.  Work will not always have issues. And I am thankful he has an opportunity to shine in his job!  And WOW!! He HAS a job! Gosh... there are so many people that would do anything just to have a job and I am tempted to complain about a busy week or two?  God is providing for our family, which sometimes means I have a little more to do.  Is it gonna kill me??? Prolly not!! Haha  The kids might have some crazy days... but I am so THANKFUL.  I HAVE kids.  GREAT kids.  I have healthy kids!  I have kids, that most of the time genuinely try to be supportive and loving to each other.  How is it that we don't look at the "most of the time" but find it so easy to focus on that tough "moment?"  I try to look at the reality.  This child doesn't want to do their homework.  It's 6 oclock.   In reality, though this moment can be a headache.... by 8:30 they will be in bed, homework will be done, and the world WILL continue spinning.  And that formation weekend??? All I had to say was "YAY FORMATION WEEKEND!!!"   We can either live life so we don't need a vacation, taking the little breaks God offers us and bask in them... or we can seek what we deem to be a break and wait for that, being miserable until it comes.  I choose to take God's breaks!  They come exactly when you need them.  So instead of seeing this as yet another day in a busy schedule that needed to be done.... we celebrated!  We had an evening and day kid-free!  We were able to enjoy almost an hour drive together and have conversation without interruptions.  We got to spend the day with other couples also discerning this call... and talking many things God, which we LOVE.  We got to be in the presence of adults for a good chunk of the day and enjoy the drive home!  We ate lunch together and dinner the night before!  PURELY BEAUTIFUL!!  God is SO good!!!   And the dogs?? Well sometimes all I can say about them is what BEAUTIFUL crosses they are! LOL!  I often joke that at the gates St. Peter will be going back and forth on whether to let me through or not and then he'll have a revelation "The DOGS!!!  Ah yes!!  Go ahead ... you earned it!!!" LOL!!!    But secondly, I know I can not be everything to everyone and I accept that.  We have to be flexible as life changes all the time.  And just because I could clean my house before the kids were in bed yesterday, does not mean that's what will happen today.  Just because I am normally the one that helps Melanie get dressed... doesn't mean that I always can if someone is having another issue.  BUT instead of focusing on the things I'm falling short on... I try to look past the end of my nose, and see what God has put in front of me to help with those things (and by gosh the things that truly need to get done, He does provide an alternative).  Isabel can help Melanie get dressed (and actually loves doing so!), Melanie can let the barking dog in, Jasmine can answer the phone (HAHAHAHA Sorry to whoever I did that to!)..... but you get the drift.   Does this mean there aren't moments that I put my hands on my head and look up to God and say "are you SURE its not time for a break yet??"  .... oh there are PLENTY of those!! And quite honestly this blog is helping me put my life into that very perspective I'm trying to practice every day!!!   But I will say one amazing thing... when you're stretched, you grow.  And when things pile up past what you could EVER possibly do... and then they get done anyway, we get to literally watch God working through us to do it.  Its the only explanation.  And THAT... I love!!!

P.S.  I know you are all curious about how our wait is going... ME TOO!! LOL  We'll get an update in a couple weeks, provided we dont have a referral at that point.  I'm pretty sure we'll be in this next batch of referrals as the orphanage is now pretty empty and they're filling it up with new kids again :) So YAY!!  Trying to walk the path and not focus TOO much on "WHEN WILL I SEE MY BABY!!!"  But it sure is nice to have a sister who's also adopting that we can call each other and basically say "Come over and wait with me!!" And we can talk adoption and watch videos and just get our silly selves all excited for that referral day that is coming SO SOON!!   

P.P.S.  I LOVE FALL.  I am already looking forward to apple orchards with the kids pumpkin patches, ..... loving this hoodie weather.  OH JOY!!!!!!! HAPPY DANCE!

Is it September already???? UPDATE :)

Oh MY! How easy is it for a couple weeks to pass without me writing on this blog! I hope once we get back into the “normal” crazy of a more structured schedule with school starting I will be able to be more diligent with it, as I do enjoy sharing our crazy lil life with you guys! So, what's new in the Walker house? Well, as school inches closer and closer the kids are gradually getting to the point where they are climbing the walls (literally in some cases!). No amount of planned activities, or entertainment seem to suffice.... they are ready. School bags are already packed and school clothes picked out, new haircuts and school lists are out. So excited for them to start a new year, and I pray its a good year for all of them! Pictures will be up Wednesday of the first day of school :) And this will be Mama's first time home with only ONE child for 6 hours a day, in over 7 years! Until our new little love arrives, of course :) And that new little!! Ahhhh, patience, the virtue I soooo need to work on, and as a result God ALWAYS PROVIDES! LOL! Goodness, if I didn't laugh at myself I'd have gone crazy by now (of course it is debatable in many minds as to whether that happened years ago). We did receive an update late last week. Unfortunately, not much of an update as far as waiting list movement goes. We are STILL holding fast at #13! Please pray for some movement this month. August was an active month with travel and bringing babies home (YAY! Praise GOD, forever families being formed!) which is freeing up lots of space in our agencies orphanage, and Our agency has 5 referrals almost ready to make and another 8-10 in the wings, so once all these come to fruition, we likely will know who our little one is... have a picture and all sorts of information on him/her. Of course, God always makes sure to shine through in every moment though. As we were greeted with a somewhat disappointing update this month, the very next day I moved enough to our adoption savings to just pay for the bill we have at referral. This is quite a moment, as the bill at referral is the single biggest payment we will have to make at one time. And even more worth noting.... 2/3 of it was literally provided by works of God himself. We have scrimped and saved. We have cut many, many expenditures (some of which God decided to provide us anyway, as He is always so faithful and good!!!), and did everything within our power to put all that we have in His hands. However, all we had... when looking at this bill was very easily compared to the 5 loaves and 2 fish, to feed 5000! And, just as in that miracle, when you put everything you have in the hands of our Lord, no matter how seemingly little it seems... .it is enough!! I really hate to focus on money at all... As I have learned over the years that when you are doing His will, He always provides... however I know many people need to hear stories like this to build their own faith... and so I share. We are not talking hundreds of dollars here... but thousands, provided.... We did not ask, and in fact when we looked it wasn't there LOL it was through realizing that we don't have the answers and trust Him to provide for us in this walk that He called us on. And I will say one more thing. Many times, even when we are doing God's work, it is so tempting to pull whatever money we are saving for this work close to us and cling to it... in fear that we will never have enough if we give any of it away. I am reflecting on two separate times in the past few months, when I could feel God calling me to donate (one time to a missionary priest from Africa raising money to build a church in his country, and one time to some deserving teens) and literally the only extra money I had was the money folded up in my wallet, waiting to be deposited for the adoption. And both times, I chose to jump out of the boat and trust Christ to not allow me to sink, and I gave that money away. And both times it came back, one of the times in the very same day! It wasn't even out of my wallet for 6 hours, and I dropped off a statue I had painted for someone and they, knowingly and willingly overpaid me for it..... EXACTLY the amount I had donated. GOD IS SO GOOD!!! We still have quite a financial journey to go, as we have two trips to Ethiopia to figure out but I trust fully that God will provide, as long as we give Him our all... and we are doing everything we can to do that!! God Bless you guys and please pray for lots of referrals and grace for us as we wait (praying for patience is risky business please don't do that LOLLL!!)

Living in the present etc... Kind of stream of conscious lol

I am really convinced that most of the worry, angst and unhappiness of our lives comes from our not living in the present and our natural inclination to control things. Imagine if God granted you the gift, if only for a day, to only be able to live in the present. By noon, without great strain you already could not remember what you had for breakfast, that you were almost late for work and that your kids were screaming for WAY too long. You also couldn't remember exactly what it was you were supposed to do this evening, let alone later this week. How would that change your perspective? You would literally be forced to just focus on the present moment. And if you can't remember... once you accept that you can't remember (we'll move onto that control thing in a minute) then, really the only thing TO do is be fully present, in the present. The things you have to do cannot cause you stress because they are not a part of your NOW, the things that happened this morning cannot weigh on you, because they are not a part of your NOW.... and NOW, all by itself, without all of that other stuff mountained on top of it... really is something you CAN do. But in living in the present, there is a certain amount of control that we lose... and that can be maddening for some of us. There is a sense of false security in thinking that we can actually control a lot in our life... when really we are just seeking knowledge, which doesn't change the inevitable end at all. I imagine, in my “live in the present” day, that pretty quickly I would realize that since I could only live in the moment, if there was something that truly was within my scope of “control” that I should be responsible for, I would write it down when I thought about it in the present so that I could do that thing later... for example, “Take Melanie to the doctor at 5pm”. However, what I probably would NOT do is waste my time writing down things like “Call the agency and see if anything new has happened.” …. Its important to notice where our focus is. At the moment I might be tempted to call our agency, as waiting is no fun, and try to glean some sort of early information (they already do update us every month!) as to where we are on the waiting list. But in reality, all this sort of thinking does, is rob our joy of the present, worrying about something we have no control over. Any information I glean from that conversation will not change anything about our timeline, or the update we will receive in a couple weeks. All it will do is give me more information, of which I really cannot do much with... except feel informed LOL And its so easy to feel like we have some sort of control when we have information. And not to say, there are not many important things to learn. Absolutely! I rarely have my nose out of a book.. Just reflecting today, that in every situation... in the present moment, I have found that normally it is pretty easy to discern if there is anything that you can do about the situation, or if it should be placed in God's hands to handle, because there really isn't anything you can do. I think a lot more of the things in our life fit into the second category. I do believe, for the things that we discern there are things we CAN do, it would be negligent of ourselves to not do them... but for the things that we discern there is nothing we can do (and as I said, I've found its usually clear pretty fast when this is the case).. we need to let go and let God :) He asks us to Trust Him over and over... and its so easy for us to instead, trust ourselves when we goof stuff up all the time.

Not sure if I should reread this... it might be complete confusion as I kinda just tossed all the mess of my mind down LOL But if there is anything that makes sense.. YAY Happy FRIDAY

Busy, busy, busy and an UPDATE!

We got another update from our agency!! Its been such a busy week that I haven't had a chance to post.  We had the kids at Camp Dearborn with Brians' family, and then had our kickoff retreat for the diaconate. It was nice to visit with the family for the better chunk of a week, and, in proper "Brian and Carrie style", come home and within the course of less than 24 hours, unpack.... wash... pack.... drop kids off at their respective "weekend getaways" ... and get on the road. The retreat weekend was really nice. We were gathered for the first time with all of the men that were also accepted into formation, and their wives.  These are the people that we will walk this path with... and its pretty exciting to look at the group and know that some semblance of them will be ordained deacons in four years!  We do not know what the future will bring, but are so excited to walk the path God has put in front of us!  We see only an open path.  And that's the thing, with life.... really, no one ever knows exactly what the end of any path will be... only the direction it is headed.  And the way you look at the path affects how you view the journey. If you start walking a path, deciding where it is destined to end... then every turn or fork in the road is viewed as something that is "wrong" ... something that "wasn't supposed to happen", and with your eyes focused so on your predetermined end, you miss your chance to absorb all the beauty of each step of the walk.  So, we walk :) As we do everyday, in faith and love of Christ, excited to learn and grow with each step of the journey....  And wherever it leads, praise Him!!  And of course, weekends like this also give us a great opportunity to be reminded of how blessed we are with the great support system we have that even makes it possible for us to venture out in faith as we do.  We have four kids... Four AMAZING kids... but four kids, and many people struggle to find  help watching even a couple kids.  We are so thankful to my sister and her husband, my parents and our great friend for watching our kids this weekend (and in many other circumstances Brian's parents other friends, church family) ... Not only did they volunteer to watch our kids, but did so much to literally make it a "Weekend getaway" for our kids.  They are such special people in our lives, and our kids lives that they truely celebrate these moments when they get to spend time with them!! We thank God often, for the beautiful, crazy lives He has blessed us with!!

NOW.. the update!!! I guess a long blog is what happens when I skip for a weekish LOL...   The Walkers are NUMBER:


Just a little movement since our "mid month" update... But movement none the less!! It's so exciting to inch closer and closer to referral day. We are hopeful for faster movement soon, as many many children will be returning home and a lot of space will be freed up for more new referrals at our agency in the next month or two. We know that God's timing is perfect, and we rest in that.  Doesn't mean I'm not starting to get very curious about our little one.  It's so crazy to think that we have a son/daughter that is already alive... on the other side of the world, and we don't know who they are yet.  I wonder what they will look like, when they were born... can't wait to see that little face in referral pictures!  For now, we walk the path (there's that path again!!!) and pray everyday for our child... and not only our child, but the people who are caring for him now.  And I pray not only for the care they give him/her but also for the caregivers themselves.  Right now, they are the only person our child can reach to..  We have all had a moment in our lives when we were "the" person that someone's world was centered around.  When we were the ones that were in such an important place in another person's life.  It is a huge responsibility but also a huge blessing.  So, for this moment, when they are the center of our child's world... when there is no known person, yet, that will be coming forward for this child... may they reap every blessing and grace, that comes with being the center of my son/daughter's life.  For I know as soon as our child is matched with us, in the minds and hearts of these people there will be mixed emotions.  They will be so happy to know this child will be loved in a family forever, but also, for them, a timeclock starts ticking... and their "moment in the sun" with this child is already starting to fade.  So I pray for them to relish and enjoy and bask in their moment in the sun, until, in God's infinite wisdom, it is our time to step into the rays.