Birthed from your Heart...

It is often said that adopted children are birthed from your heart... and as I sit with this idea it is really, in so many ways, a perfect description..

When conceiving and birthing a child biologically you sacrifice your body A LOT.  When conceiving and birthing a child from your heart you sacrifice your heart A LOT.  This is in no means saying your heart isn't involved in bio birth (everyone worries for and loves their unborn child in a very special and unique way, and perhaps runs into the doctor for every slight worry...) or your body in a heart birth (vaccines, flying across the world sometimes staying in uncomfortable conditions etc.).  But back to the comparison...   As your biological child is growing within you, your body is being stretched to the point where you are certain there is no more room, you sign on the dotted line for aches till its over, there are a number of things you sacrifice eating and doing in hopes that it will help your child be born as healthy as possible.   And just when you are quite certain you cannot take it anymore you enter the most painful physical phase and finally have your child in your arms.  As your adoptive child is growing within your heart, your heart is being stretched to the point where you are quite certain there is no more room.  You are forced to sacrifice essentially any control over the situation you might have thought you had.  You are forced to put faith in people thousands of miles from you to care for and do whatever it takes to get you to your child as fast as possible.  You think of them possibly hungry or sick or lonely and your heart swells and there is absolutely nothing you can do.  You sign on the dotted line to have an ache in your heart until they are home.  I would say any parent that has had to watch their child in a hospital or something similar probably knows a similar ache (with the exception that I imagine there is a great deal more fear added to the equation in the hospital situation).  Having your child home in your arms, safe and healthy is 100% in the hands of God and other people...with very little you can do aside from signing consent forms.   But for many of us that have been blessed to never know that... it is different from many of the worries you get when you are pregnant.  If you worry when you are pregnant that you haven't felt the baby move, you have the ability to sit and put your hands on your tummy and wait... and if that doesn't calm your concerns you can drive to a doctor and have them calm your concerns.... the ache you feel in this case, you really have no option for calming them except for a lot of prayer and faith.  And just when you think you cannot take it anymore you enter the most painful phase of having held your child and now leaving them and waiting at home for them until you can go get them again, and then finally have your child in your arms again.  Both cases require a lot of sacrifice, rooted in the selfless love of a parent for their child, and at times pain, but to hold and have the greatest gift.

What is the same....

1.  Your desire to have them.  I walked around life repeating my key phrase "I hate wait" with each and every one of my kids.  I want them in my arms... period....  I am eager to love them, and touch them and have them home.
2. Who's child they are.  There are many people with no ill intent whatsoever, say hurtful things "real parent" or "your OWN children".....   But you see, phrases like this simply neglect to recognize who these children REALLY are.  Every one of my children, biological and adopted, are God's children first.  He created them and gifted them to me...  we don't create life, we are open to life and God creates it.  So, really, none of them are "my own".... yet I love them all completely as the amazing gift God has given to me.  And a real parent is one that says "yes" to that child and lays down their life (and body and heart) to love them unconditionally.
3.  The love.  Any parent knows, you can look at beautiful child after beautiful child (and honestly, EVERY child is BEAUTIFUL), and talented child after talented child.... yet there is something very different when you are looking at YOUR child, or watching YOUR child present you with the most beautiful drawing of them with you etc. etc.  There is a fullness in your heart, a confirmation "He's/She's mine" and and whatever they are and do is presented to your heart differently.  An amazing differently.... and there is something about those faces that make every suffering you went thru throughout their "birth" (either body or heart) fade away. THAT is the same with every child God gifts to you.

Wait.... and HURRY UP! :)

Hurry up and wait.... Hurry up and wait.... Now, wait.... and HURRY UP!

Ahh  we got our birthmom court date yesterday, March 25!  Which means, if all goes well that week we will likely know our court date and be booking plane tickets! CRAZY!!  If we follow others recent timelines we'll like be on a plane 3 weeks later.  Wow....   After nine months of dragging waiting, now all of a sudden I feel there is so much to do in relatively little time!  We will probably receive travel information soon to start looking over so we are prepared when the call comes. That in itself is going to take some sorting through... where to stay, how our trip will go, what airline to take etc. etc.  I want to get the boys room ready before leaving so that we can show his birth mother a picture of the room (I bought curtain material yesterday and will likely shop paint and what not this weekend!). I've got to continue to put together donations for the orphanage (if anyone is interested in contributing anything donation wise for the orphanage please let me know), a photo book for the birth mother, get those darn vaccines (I wish I could go a week without getting sick so I could get these taken care of already), start collecting gifts for people in Ethiopia (it is customary to give gifts to people who have helped you and the list is QUITE long).... and just a whole bunch of "nesting" things that kicked in.... oh about a week ago!

Its like a whirlwind of activity, and honestly... I love it!! I'm back in my "zone".  I'm a doer LOL I don't do particularly well when my "do" is to "wait"... Now, give me 25 things, and I'm in my element.   And I look at his precious face and feel so incredibly blessed and excited that it wont be long till we can meet him and be able to love on this beautiful little person.  And I feel so blessed to have a birth parent case, and we will likely get to meet her and talk with her and ask her questions that will be priceless to know the answers to.  And we will be able to have the opportunity to hopefully grant her some peace with knowing where her son is going and whom will be his family (and by connection a leg of her family).

And in all this, as always, we place ourselves in His hands and pray that He work through us and embrace this whole process and the beautiful people that are being knit into our lives forever by it.  And pray for the little boy that will be our son, and his birthmother and everyone caring for him while we wait to bring him home.

This wait is a lil different....

This phase of waiting is different....   In some ways its easier and in some ways its harder.  Our update came from the agency today.  It was so strange to not see us on the list.  An AMAZING strange :)  We were on that list for 9 months and now we are on the "waiting for court date" list!  Is it real? Pinch me!!!  And its crazy, because there are so many moms that I just love on the list that I'm still anxiously watching for referrals so that they will also finally know who their little ones are.  Of the most anxious is who my little niece will be...  Pray my sister and Brandon get matched soon!!!  Its even possible their little girl could be at the orphanage with our son and be getting to know her soon to be cousin and not even know it yet.... WAY COOL!

One small plus of being on the wait list so long... this phase of waiting hasn't even really hit me yet!  We were submitted to court on Tuesday (praying!! I haven't heard officially that we were since they told me that that was the plan)... we will wait a couple weeks and hear with our birthmom court date is, and then following that...hopefully only a few short weeks later, we'll be in Ethiopia to meet our lil man for the first time! UGH... CAN"T WAIT FOR THAT DAY.

So this phase of the wait..... it's easier because there is a peace.  That whole anxiousness of "where is my child/ who is my child/ when will the call come/ how long will it be till i know who they are etc." has been answered.  There is a little boy and he will be our son and I can look at his face a thousand times a day (and I prolly come close to that lol!!).  And for all intensive purposes this wait should be almost half of what I just did waiting for referral... and it will be split up by a trip to go meet him and go to court. Its harder because now, every day, there is a very real person missing from our house....  growing a day older each day without us, and that just really feels like a lil chunk of your heart is sitting on the other side of the world.

So far though, I really am still on a "referral high".  We just received new pics of our lil guy because our agency caseworker was in Ethiopia last week.  She said when she got to the orphanage he was just finishing his bath up on the stair and then proceeded to try to put his shoes on (wrong feet)...ugh melt...  And she snapped lots of pictures.  ADORABLE!!! She also took measurements and he gained a lil weight :)  And another family is travelling soon and will be taking him a little care package from us and getting more pictures for us.   It definitely helps pass the wait having such a great little adoption family!!  And some of the sweetest things are coming out of our kids.  They all have his pictures on them all the time.  Jasmine peppers every person within arms reach, showing off our lil guys pictures with such excitement. Dominic filled the crib with his blanket and toys and a handmade card of "Me and my new baby"  Melanie has declared herself the "babysitter", Isabel made the sweetest little book for him with pictures of us, the kids, the dogs... and such sweet notes for him about how much we love him :)  Its  so amazing.... its like we all get to watch our hearts grow even more and this lil guy is already so loved :)

This has kinda been a 'stream of conscious' blog :) But its where I'm at at the moment!  Please keep the prayers coming that we get a court date soon and we can go meet our lil guy for the first time!! I just cannot wait for that moment!!!!

REFERRAL!!!!!

It's a BOY!!! The day has finally come, and we are so in love already!   Last Friday our caseworker Sally called us with some loose information on a little boy and wanted to know if we would be interested.  He was going to be two in a few months... and of course we said yes!  She was leaving for Africa the following day and asked for our patience and she would send over all of his information as soon as possible.  We were so anxious but at the same time so happy that she was willing to call us with anything when she was so busy with packing and whatnot the day before leaving on a huge trip! We waited and waited... and finally... when I least expected it I received an email late Wednesday night.  I had given up hope at that point on Wednesday because it was already extremely late in Ghana, where our caseworker was, .... but amazingly she was awake and sending me our lil guy's information!!!  What an angel! I'm sure she was so tired.   We accepted his referral and printed out lots of pictures.   We are not allowed to post his picture online until after we go to court in Ethiopia.  But as a part of our Valentine's Day surprise for the kids we put his pictures in separate envelopes for each of them and had them open them first.  I wish I had video taped!!! They were soooo excited, squealing and jumping!! Dominic is already making plans for bunk beds when he gets a lil bit bigger. Here are a few snap shots of their faces when they first got glimpse of their new little brother!






It is amazing to reflect over the waiting time and see how God had knit THIS child on my heart from the very beginning.  When our call to adoption was first confirmed, there was a day in prayer when I was praying for our child to be.... and I saw him standing there holding Mary's hand...  a little guy, but standing... a toddler to be sure.  I remember asking the agency about toddlers and she told me they really dont get them very often.  She said they normally get younger babies or children over three, but occasionally a toddler does come through.  So we went into our nine month wait expecting that we would probably be matched with a younger child.  Yet the whole wait I had a place in my heart pulling to be the mother of a child who's mother had to part with them after having them for a year or more.... yet two months ago our caseworker was again telling me, when I asked her if there were any kids close to being ready,  that toddler's really just don't come through very often so she didn't expect that specifically .. but you just really never know, things change in a moments notice....   And  the child that comes up for us is in fact a toddler, in exactly the circumstance I had on my heart :)  God is good :)  And he is SO BEAUTIFUL!!! He's gonna be a heart breaker for sure!

Now that we have accepted our case will be submitted to court early next week.  We will wait on hearing first of when the birthmother's court date is and then following that we will be given our court date, which is when we go for our first trip.  Following our first trip we return home, until his travel papers are ready and then we will return to bring him home.  Please storm heaven that all of this goes as quickly as possible, as we cannot wait to go meet this little guy and hug him to a million pieces!!!

KISSES IN THE WIND

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--- Unknown

We can't be far!!!!

We got our monthly update.  And as much as I dreaded seeing us on the list again, and only one higher... this update has be EXCITED :)   And I'll share what's getting me excited so you all can be UBER ANXIOUS with me LOL!   So to start.... the Walkers are



And at that number, with the people ahead of us and what they are waiting for we are next in line for a boy over 5 months old. And I shall copy and paste the line from the last update that I keep rereading and is giving me all sorts of butterflies!!!

Potential Referrals - We have a 2 referrals VERY close to referring and others (3-5 that should be quite soon...the ones that are close to referring are all boys and 4 years & under)

Ahhh!  We can't be far!!! 

The Urgency...

First things first... before I share my lil revelations of the week :)  No, we haven't been matched yet.  Yes, we are closer haha  We are first in line for the next boy ages 5m-18m (#2 in line for a girl).  Can't wait to shout from the rooftops the day we finally get the first of many exciting calls :)   Yes, I am bout to lose my crazy lil mind haha

And on that note, comes something that really struck me this week.  I have been so very blessed to have become friends with many of the moms on the waitlist from our agency.  Love them!! Love waiting with them, celebrating movement with them, and sharing walking this amazing journey with them.  But it struck me today (and of course I've known this for a while, but for some reason it just struck me in a new way today) that its not just me that is "About to lose my crazy lil mind", all of us are so anxious... we all have an urgency within us, granted some are a lil stronger with the patience but its there for all of us... this urgency to have our child in our arms.  And it struck me, that we have been given to feel God's urgency.  He has knocked on the doors of each of our hearts and placed the urgency for the child that needs us...and He gave it to us.  How else can we explain this CRAZY, cannot even explain it until you experience it yourself, urgent need to have a child in your arms whom you have never seen.... to jump through hoops and every step of the way feel like you would do anything you could just to get there faster.  And then it struck me that He does that with all of us, with all of our true needs...  How many times have I said something to someone and they reveal I have spoken exactly to the needs of their heart.  How many times have we found the answer to our concerns just provided in the unlikeliest of places? It's really being revealed to me, that whatever our need is, it is an urgent need of God's as well.  He is knocking on the doors of hearts until someone opens and responds.  We just have to be open and have faith that it is happening (remember not everyone opens right away... sometimes it takes knocking on many doors), and we have to stop staring at the door we expect to be the answer and lift our chins up in faith and look around and be open to the answer God is providing.  I mean, in all likelihood  I am QUITE certain that the mother in Africa that has reached a point where there are no options would never plan on me, a woman she has never seen on the other side of the world,  being the one to open my arms and love her child.  I'm pretty sure that she wasn't thinking when her child was born (or even before they were born) that God was already working on the answer to what seemed hopeless for her child.  QUITE certain I am...  and yet He was.  And it wont be for months and months after that door was opened, that it will be seen to fruition and it will be clear.   But we just have to have faith that He loves us all personally, and is urgently working to meet our needs ... as a good Father does.  "If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him." Matthew 7:11

And the New Year begins.....

We received an update from our agency... and the Walkers are inching closer to the top and are now number:

 

As we get closer to the top of the list, the more the question of "When will the call come" comes to mind...  I know its good to busy myself and trust in the Lord but it becomes more and more consuming as we get closer.  Yet, the irony of it all, ...and I learned this all to well last time we adopted, is that the call somehow manages to come when you aren't thinking about it.  It seems virtually impossible as it seems to always at least be in the back of your mind... yet that's how it happens!  So, Carrie, must somehow distract herself.... help her please!!! LOL!!!   And to distract myself at this moment, and share for those of you whom don't know or maybe forgot, I'll share the story of the last time I got a referral.  To this day, STILL one of THE most amazing days of my life :)  Hence, why I can't wait for getting that call again.   I remember it started off as the most miserable day.  Our eldest dog, who is no longer with us, had gotten into something and literally gotten sick allllll over the house.  It was disgusting, and smelly and I was cleaning all morning.  On top of that I had the concern that perhaps it was her liver going out which added a whole new dimension to the level of concern for this "Sick" and lovely morning.   The furthest thing from my mind was the adoption...and that was saying something because I had no babies at home and was soooo eager to see the face of my newest little one for the first time.  The phone rang and when I saw our agencies number it still didn't even register that it could be the referral call (Remember doggy ick infested mind LOL)... and the first thing Elaine said was "How do you feel about a little girl?"  I couldn't believe it!  I was really expecting a boy because at the time our dossier was almost ready she actually was getting ready to turn a boy away because she didn't have a match for him at the time.   No baby girls had been in the Walker family for something like 5 generations... and our Godsent angel was a baby girl!  She emailed me the pictures right away and we were instantly in love...  She was just a day under a month old, and had been born on June 3, the very day we found out we were pregnant just a few weeks prior.  God always signs His work :)   And that baby would also be a girl to start a new trend in Walker history!!